


(Like a) Puss in Boots

by yubiwamonogatari



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Humour, Like a cat trying to walk in booties, crackfic, there's a reason hobbits don't wear shoes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 17:35:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1313431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yubiwamonogatari/pseuds/yubiwamonogatari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Filled for the kink-meme. "Bilbo is wrestled into boots to counter the bitter cold, and throws the most dignified hissy-fit ever seen in middle earth. Despite his protesting the dwarves manage to get him into them. Then... have you ever seen a cat try to walk with shoes on?" Very cracky, short fic. Perfect for some light reading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Like a) Puss in Boots

“A hobbit's feet,” Bilbo says, drawing himself up as tall as he can go and looking a slightly wary Dori right in the eyes, “are a hundred times tougher and more hardy than any boots that cover them.”

 

“Aye,” Dwalin says, gripping Bilbo's shoulders and forcing him down to sit again on the boulder Bilbo had just stood up from, “but they're not made for snow and ice like this.”

 

“Besides, you cut yourself last night, right on your heel,” Kili points out, taking one of Bilbo's arms as Fili grips the other, his blond brother speaking with a smile on his face.

 

“And we can't have you trailing blood with that orc pack on our tails.”

 

“Trailing blood!” Bilbo splutters, beginning to fight against their grip. His feet are cold and his toes have gone a peculiar shade of blue he's never seen before, he'll grant them that. And they ache deep inside, like his bones are slowly freezing, but... _boots_? “I have not been trailing blood, and I will not be wearing boots, thank you very much!”

 

“I'm afraid you don't have a choice,” Bofur says cheerily, and he lifts up a pair of boots clearly fashioned just for Bilbo out of spare pairs. “Come now, let's just get this over and done with, hmn?”

 

“Over and--! Now just you wait-- _wait_!” Bombur and Nori each grab a foot, but it takes the combined efforts of Dori and Bofur to shove them on and lace them up tight as Bilbo fights their grip desperately. As one, the dwarves of Erebor spring back from Bilbo, who is left red-cheeked and breathing heavily, still sitting on the boulder. 

 

It's dawn, and they've spent the night hiding in a tiny cave made out of ice and snow cut into the mountain side as they try to throw Azog off their scent after their rescue by the eagles, and Bilbo isn't the only one feeling the cold. Gandalf had gone ahead, to scout for them and to find a safe path down from the mountain side.

 

Thorin turns while shouldering his pack, Bilbo's newly covered feet resting where they were dropped down onto the snow.

 

“Come on. We've wasted enough time here as it is,” Thorin says, looking over the company. “Master Baggins. On your feet.”

 

Bilbo bats away Fili and Kili's helping hands and stands up, though it takes every ounce of strength and balance he has. His toes curl and uncurl in the tight boots, and his feet feel reduced to clubs.

 

“See! Not so bad!” Kili grins, clapping Bilbo on the back. Before Bilbo can even blink, he's face down in the snow and two sets of hands are dragging him back up. He splutters and tries to help right himself, but his feet slip out from under him and Fili and Kili lose their grip as he sinks back into the snow on his bum this time.

 

“I cannot--! I _cannot_ walk in these!” he says, his cheeks burning red. Fili and Kili are twisting their lips and it's painfully clear they're trying not to laugh as they drag him back up onto his feet.

 

“Of course you can, Bilbo,” Fili says comfortingly. “You just need to walk a few steps and you'll be used to them in no time!”

 

“I'm telling you,” Bilbo starts, but Thorin's eyes are heavy and impatient on him. He grits his teeth, brushing Fili and Kili off him. Bilbo lifts his foot and it's as if he's completely forgotten how his legs work as his foot goes up and up and up and like a tree slowly falling he collapses back into the snow.

 

There is a second of silence before Kili cracks, turning away from Bilbo with his shoulders shaking as Fili hauls him to his feet again. Bilbo is silent, his eyes a little wider and his breathing rough as he tries to straighten his shoulders. He moves to take another step, his leg swinging wildly out to the side in a way that makes him lurch, and before he can stop himself he's falling for the fourth time, face first down into the snow by Ori's feet.

 

Fili is laughing too as he helps Bilbo back up, his hands shaking as he snickers and Bilbo's cheeks are burning hot enough to melt the snow on his face. The rest of the company are unusually silent but as Bilbo tries to take a few steps with his feet swinging wildly to the side their stony expressions start to crack.  


“It's like the blasted ground is stuck to me!” Bilbo cries, and a second later in an incredible act of acrobatics he manages to kick his leg out hard enough to knee himself in the face as he lurches forwards and sends himself collapsing down into a snowdrift, a cloud of powered ice exploding around him.

 

By the time Bilbo has managed to crawl to his feet again, the dwarves are beside themselves with laughter, clinging onto each other and almost sobbing. Bilbo is covered in snow from head to foot, and as he reaches to try and tug the boots off all he succeeds in doing is throwing himself back into the snowdrift, his legs flailing wildly.

 

“Take these confounded, useless, horrendous things _off_ me!” he shouts, twisting in the snow as he finds himself unable to even stand up, and as he pauses to gasp for breath he spots even Thorin covering his face with his hand to hide his laughter. His blood boils. “Will you _please_ take these off me!” he cries out again, and as he stands up only to fall once more, he sees Kili and Nori and Bofur collapse down too, laughing so hard he's afraid for a moment they'll hurt themselves before his fury crashes back into him.

 

It's Balin, chuckling with tears running into his beard, who finally manages to pull himself together enough to go over and unlace Bilbo's boots, tugging them off him unceremoniously. Bilbo springs to his feet immediately, and the cold biting into his toes feels like freedom. He kicks a few good lumps of snow into a couple of the still-laughing faces of his companions before he grabs his pack and pulls it on, his chin held up high.

 

Thorin says nothing to him, barking an order for the others to compose themselves and get going, but as he moves to step past Bilbo to lead them down the mountainside he reaches out and brushes a clump of snow from Bilbo's shoulder in silence.

 

The rest of the company spend the day all but doting on Bilbo, and it's not unnoticed that he is given the biggest portion of food that night and that he finds his tobacco pouch with far more in it he had yesterday, and he doesn't complain when Fili and Kili settle in to sleep on either side of him, Dori dropping a knitted blanket over his own as he closes his eyes.

 

Really, he'd forgiven them long ago. In hindsight and with anyone other than him in that position, he too would have been laughing. But he's not going to complain about his treatment now, and it's with a smile on his face that he snuggles into his bed, warmed on either side and with his belly fuller than it's been in months. It's almost –  _almost_ – worth it.

 


End file.
